My Dark Day
Today is my "dark day". Today is the day 9 years ago that I thought my entire world had ended. We lost our first son, Nathaniel J when I was 15 weeks pregnant.
I don't want to be depressing, but each year on this day I like to take some time and remember him. I know that I never really "met" him or got to play with him, but the minute you are pregnant you have an image and a dream for your unborn child and the loss for me was just as great as if I had been able to cuddle him.
Of course for everyone it is different, but I found different things that helped me through the pain, grief, and guilt. Today as I remember Nathaniel, I wanted to share these in the hopes of helping someone else.
I don't want to be depressing, but each year on this day I like to take some time and remember him. I know that I never really "met" him or got to play with him, but the minute you are pregnant you have an image and a dream for your unborn child and the loss for me was just as great as if I had been able to cuddle him.
Of course for everyone it is different, but I found different things that helped me through the pain, grief, and guilt. Today as I remember Nathaniel, I wanted to share these in the hopes of helping someone else.
- We named him. I didn't want him to be forgotten. He was a significant part of our lives even as an unborn child.
- We gave family members cards with a verse on it that the funeral home gave to us.
- I wrote him a letter and I wrote about the entire experience. (don't read these if you don't like all that personal stuff)
- I finished his baby book. I had started a baby book or at least collecting pictures and things for his book. Ryan and I sat down in the living room one day and finished it with all of the pictures of the nursery, congratulatory cards, ultrasound pictures, and sympathy cards we had.
- I read a book called, Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunneberg - highly recommend this book!!
- I joined an on-line community where many other women had gone through the same thing. It was a huge comfort to chat with people who knew, but wouldn't be hurt by my pain because they didn't know me.
- I wanted something tangible because it was important to me not to forget our first child. Ryan and I had a ring made. It has both of our birthstones and Nathaniel's is in the middle. I have since had another ring made with all of the birthstones of all of the babies we lost as well. No, it isn't a happy memory, but there was a purpose and a plan behind all of it and that is the happy, celebratory part!
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